


Best Husbands

by LoxieBoxie



Series: Happy Endings [19]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Irony, pesterchum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:03:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6597832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoxieBoxie/pseuds/LoxieBoxie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Dirk have a highly ironic, partially sincere discussion about their parenting tactics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Husbands

> **\-- tellurianGladiator [TG] began pestering tyrannicalTrisexual [TT] at 13:02 --**
> 
> **TG** : baby  
>  **TG** : snookum wookums  
>  **TG** : dearest and smoothest ass that i hold so tenderly dear to my heart  
>  **TT** : Yo.  
>  **TT** : You’ve only been gone since eight this morning, and already I long to see your pale, glowing face again.  
>  **TT** : Ideally so that I can beat it in.  
>  **TT** : You left the milk out again, Sugar Lips.  
>  **TG** : whatevs  
>  **TG** : howre the little tykes doing  
>  **TT** : How the fuck am I supposed to know?  
>  **TG** : dont lie  
>  **TG** : you know youre hovering over their every adorably dickish move  
>  **TG** : if you couldve convinced dave and dirk and hal to do home school  
>  **TG** : you know you would have  
>  **TG** : you want all your little ducklings gathered close to your bosom  
>  **TG** : mamas feeling protective  
>  **TG** : its okay mama  
>  **TG** : you take care of the kidlings  
>  **TG** : daddys gonna make sure to bring home the monies  
>  **TG** : were never gonna go back to the trailer park  
>  **TG** : im gonna take care of all yall  
>  **TT** : Are you done?  
>  **TG** : yeah i guess  
>  **TT** : Cool. Anyway, the brats are fine. Martina McBride is doing something with books, hell if I know what it is. It looks smart, though. Am I supposed to give participation grades for this shit?  
>  **TG** : hell if i know mams this is your schtick   
>  **TT** : Man, didn’t you set up a home-schooling system for shota me?  
>  **TG** : haha  
>  **TG** : hell no  
>  **TG** : i left like videos and shit i mean yeah  
>  **TG** : but as for schooling and shit i just left him a buncha textbooks and how tos and shit  
>  **TG** : rose said itd be fine and that hed figure it out  
>  **TT** : Wow, good guardian, best parent.  
>  **TG** : man fuck you i was a little busy with a crazy ass alien tyrant queen  
>  **TG** : you think raising kids is hard  
>  **TG** : try raising a kid you wont even be physically present for  
>  **TG** : because youll be dead in the past  
>  **TG** : in a postapocalyptic fishworld  
>  **TG** : that you have to make sure hell even be able to survive in  
>  **TG** : with little supplies and no guardian  
>  **TG** : point is i aint got a fucking clue how to help you tutor little twitterfeed  
>  **TT** : Well, he seems to be managing just fine on his own.  
>  **TT** : He looks all studious and shit, so I think I could probably give him an extra grade.  
>  **TG** : what like a  
>  **TG** : congratulations for not being as much of a fuckup as the rest of this fucking flock of irony  
>  **TT** : ...  
>  **TG** : what  
>  **TT** : Look, we both know that irony is a fucking solid philosophy, and that as Strider’s we must uphold a certain degree of swag chillaxation.  
>  **TG** : straight up truth mombro  
>  **TG** : but i get the feeling youre going somewhere with this  
>  **TT** : Don’t think too hard on it, but last time I was out to pick up the new release of me and Applejack’s mangas...  
>  **TG** : do you purposefully call him by every bullshit pony name except rainbow dash because shes his favorite  
>  **TT** : Yes. If anyone in this family is Rainbow Dash, it’s me.  
>  **TG** : fair enough  
>  **TG** : also you are obviously stalling and that is never a good thing  
>  **TG** : spit it out already  
>  **TT** : Fine. I can think of no less painful way of saying this, so I’m just going to spit it out. I read a parenting book and it may have less than casually hinted - and by hinted, I mean it was very vociferously insistent - that teenagers need to be able to express themselves emotionally, because this is a time of extreme and confusing change for them. So, we may or may not be emotionally repressing our chicklets and permanently damaging their delicate psyches or whatever.  
>  **TT** : Maybe we need to change our parenting strategy?  
>  **TG** : are you fucking serious right now  
>  **TG** : you have met our children right  
>  **TG** : every last one of them are little shitheads  
>  **TG** : even the cute ones  
>  **TG** : by cute ones i mean the ones that are only kind of vague copies based off of our miniature versions  
>  **TG** : i cannot believe you could even begin to think we are somehow emotionally repressing them  
>  **TG** : shota skips school and feigns injuries from his projects to get out of interacting with other people  
>  **TG** : glados somehow tricked us into letting him take the place of the truant realchild because he wants to be human so bad he cant fucking dislike school like normal kids  
>  **TG** : eric draven knows hes the favorite and constantly uses that to his advantage despite literally being crippled  
>  **TG** : hint that advantage was convincing you to be his homeschool teacher  
>  **TG** : dipshit has more relationship problems than the entire cast of 90210  
>  **TG** : i think he may actually be the entire cast of 90210 actually  
>  **TG** : it would explain so much  
>  **TT** : Eric Draven is really obscure. It’d probably be better to just call him Brandon Lee, because no one ever remembers what the character’s actual name is.  
>  **TG** : heathen  
>  **TT** : Whatever. So you don’t feel this is an issue we need to address?  
>  **TG** : hell no  
>  **TG** : the point of me giving a dramatis personae of the entire lot of them  
>  **TG** : was to prove that we have the least emotionally repressed children on earth  
>  **TG** : i dont know where we went wrong man  
>  **TG** : but these kids are ridiculous  
>  **TT** : I suppose you have a point. Kel just sulked in here for more orange soda while staring forlornly at his silent phone.  
>  **TT** : I think we need to get that kid a virtual boyfriend.  
>  **TG** : jesus fucking christ  
>  **TG** : my case stands  
>  **TG** : we cannot possibly fuck them up anymore than the game already has  
>  **TT** : Alright, I get it. I’ll drop it - it’s now officially a non-issue.  
>  **TG** : sweet  
>  **TG** : just in time too  
>  **TG** : lunch breaks over  
>  **TG** : i gotta go sweetie pie ill talk to you later  
>  **TG** : keeping you in my nastiest of pseudo incestual thoughts you hunka hunk of burning man love  
>  **TT** : Doki doki.  
> 

**\-- tellurianGladiator [TG] ceased pestering tyrannicalTrisexual [TT] at 13: 51 --**

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this written for ages and just didn't upload it, despite TGP's desperate pleas for me to do so. As a consequence, anything I could have had to say about it has completely fled my mind. Oh, except for Bro's chumhandle*. There's a better one somewhere, but I can't find it, so, y'know, have a silly placeholder.
> 
> Considering the way some feels jams go down in the Strider Household, I'm 3000% sure there was a silent agreement to be more attentive guardians somewhere in here.
> 
> *Found the right Chumhandle. Edited it to be correct.


End file.
